Today, I turned 28.
I feel old.
I’m not old by any means, but I feel old. Yet, I don’t feel mature. It’s an odd combination of feeling like my life has settled down mixed the feeling that my life has yet to really begin.
I’m in a loving relationship where I play multiple roles. That makes me feel settled. It makes me feel like this is going to be my life until it’s not my life. I’m also unemployed and oftentimes frustrated by that. That makes me feel immature.
I’m not out drinking with my friends every night, trying to find a woman to take home (not that there’s anything wrong with that, Samer). I’m comfortable at my house, watching trashy reality TV and cuddling on the couch. That makes me feel settled. I don’t like doing things around the house and would rather be playing video games instead of doing laundry and dishes. That makes me feel immature.
I’m pretty set in my ways and I appreciate that my fiance doesn’t try to change me too much. I already know that I’ve sacrificed and changed my life to better accommodate her. She’s kind and caring and listens when I decide to talk. That makes me feel settled. Sometimes, I feel like I need space too often. I’m very hard on myself and feel that I’m letting her down by slogging away on the computer with nothing to show for it while most of our friends have good jobs that they are proud of. That makes me feel immature.
The point to all of this is to say that; age doesn’t define how you feel. Somedays, I feel 13. Other days, I feel 50. Sometimes I feel 13 and 50 on the same day.
I know I’m not the only person who goes through this. I’m just here to say to everyone else who feels this way that you’re not alone. On those days when you’re 45 but you’re shirking your responsibilities to get drunk and watch football, you’re not alone. On those days when you’re 15 but you need to take care of your little brother instead of going to the mall with your friends, you’re not alone.
I know it can feel like you are alone during those times. Trust me, I get it. I’m an anxiety riddled depressive. I can’t tell you how many times I get down and feel like there’s no one around or that no one cares. Even when I know it’s not true because I can always rely on my fiance and my mom, I still feel like there’s no one else but me. There’s always someone out there. You might not know them. They might not know you. But they’re feeling just as settled or just as immature as you’re feeling right now.
Happy Birthday to anyone born on September 15. Whether it’s your first birthday, your 28th, or your 75th. Your age doesn’t matter and you’re not alone.